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Good Grief!
I Feel Like I'm Dying ...
(Charlie Brown’s Lament)
" ... Only time will tell ... ya think you're in heaven, but
you're living in hell."
-Traditional Jamaican Folk Song
Funny, rain never depressed me before. It's pouring outside
and normally I would be elated. I love it when it rains ...
Everything gets watered ... The water table gets replenished
... The dust gets washed away, making everything shiny clean
... I love it ...
But, not today. I've never felt like this, not that I can
remember.
I don't deal well with depression ... in fact; I don't deal
with it at all.
Therefore, I'm usually always happy-go-lucky. Not much
bothers me, and when it does, I head-butt it like the Ram
that I am. I don't fear much of anything.
But, as I watched the rain come down today, I almost began
to cry. Again ... not like me. As of late, I feel like I'm
being tested. I've never been so filled with anguish and
anxiety. I've never felt so hopeless, not even years ago,
when I lived in my car. At this moment, it seems, all that I
touch turns to dust, not rust ... dust.
I feel like everything that I attempt ... gets thwarted. I
also feel like every time I have a dream about to be
realized, it vanishes right in my hands. It's even worse
than not having it ... I get to see it, even think I'm gonna
realize it ... and then ... poof! The dream is just gone.
All I've ever wanted was to be successful and have the love
of a good woman. I know that I'm no angel, but I try to be.
I'm most always genuinely concerned for others. I am always
trying to make my situation better. I never wrong people
intentionally, and above all, my heart is huge and full of
lots of wonderful things. I've seen them all. Sometimes they
pop out of me and surprise me with the way they make me act
and react. I didn't know I could so easily feel and exercise
such emotions; Compassion, un-measurable patience and
understanding of others pain. But the thing that it's filled
with most of all is ... Love. A passionate love that can't
be measured. Like a Bald Eagle, my devotion can be never
ending.
I’ve always felt like I was a little selfish, I still think
I am, a little. Aren't we all? But today, as I stared into
the hard falling rain, instead of taking a deep breath
through my nose and loving the smell ... I stared into the
quickly amassing puddle in front of the apartment and felt
the tightness in my chest and jaw. Tears tried to well up in
my eyes, but, with a long deep sigh, I wouldn't let them.
I'm not a quitter; I never have been.
I've deemed a name to this condition I've been afflicted
with most all my life. I call it Charlie Brown Syndrome.
It seems sometimes, that no matter how good my intentions,
no matter how hard I try, in an attempt to do something
positive, it almost always blows up in my face and, more
often than not, I end up looking like the bad guy on top of
it!
In almost every situation, I also feel like the things that
undo my efforts are both unforeseen and out of my control. I
always end up feeling frustrated and helpless to remedy the
situation. And, as if that wasn't enough, it almost always
looks like it was my fault ... Or, if I hadn't tried to do
what I had done ... then none of the un-asked for trouble
would have occurred. Like I said before, I look like the bad
guy ... almost every time.
My luck with women could be written into a comedy somewhere
... though; it feels more like a tragedy to me. It seems
that I can't find the right one, or if I do think she might
be her, then you can almost certainly guarantee that she
either has a boyfriend/husband/fiancée, or she's just plain
not interested in me. If she is interested in me, then she
almost always turns out to be a liar/cheater/fruitloop ...
with a drama card ten miles long. Eight out of ten times, I
don't find this out until I'm head over heals crazy about
her. And moreover, I never see it coming, Because like I
said, I'm usually always a very positive type of person.
So my heart, or what's left of it, gets smashed up again and
I'm left to stand there, with my good intentions and my need
to love and be loved ... bewildered and alone.
My buds tease me that I have a tattoo on my forehead that
reads: "Psycho Chicks Line Up Here" ... I look for it every
morning in the mirror.
In my search for thee ever elusive “Little Red Haired Girl”,
I've told every girl I've ever been with; “If you don't lie
or cheat on me, you will have all my trust and faith. But,
the first time you do, I'll take it away and then you'll
have to earn it.” Not only have I never met one who could
keep up her end of the bargain, I've never met one willing
to try and put forth the effort to earn it, once they had
lost it.
Most of the close friends I once had are now off on their
own adventures and, for one reason or another, I'm without
them. Most of the friends I have now are, in a more
realistic sense, acquaintances that I can run with and have
a good time with. It's kind of unnerving ... to realize that
some of the people you call friends, make faces or talk to
others in whisper campaigns behind your back. Or, they stand
back there, behind you, and roll their eyes every time you
make a statement. All in the name of making themselves look
better, by making them look like they think you're a fool to
someone else. It kind of gives you a conspiracy complex.
It's really strange though, that they are always there as
your friend and they include you in all of their plans ...
Seems like that would eventually make them look stupid,
doesn't it? Stranger still, is the fact that they think that
you don't know they do it, because you don't say anything
about it so you can avoid the conflict.
I just don't feel the bond with them that I felt with others
in my youth ... Maybe that’s how it is when you get older
... I'm a hopeless romantic and I'd like to think that it's
just not so.
At this moment, I have never felt so alone and without
direction in my whole life. I don't have a feeling to
compare it to. One step forward, two steps back ... More
like fifty steps back.
" ... And then one day you find ten years have gotten behind
you. No one told you when to run; you've missed the starting
gun ..."
I never dreamt that those words would mean to me what they
mean to me now. I remember reading them more than twenty
years ago, the day my friend, Randy Reed, brought Pink
Floyd’s “The Dark Side of the Moon” album over to my house
for the first time. I had a turntable ... He didn't.
I remember reading those words and thinking that the poor
soul who had wrote them was feeling bad because he'd missed
out on a part of his life. I was maybe 13 or 14 at the time
... I couldn't fathom such a loss. Besides, in my youthful
world, I was assured I could be anything I want to be, have
anything I want to have, or go anywhere I wanted to go. Nice
myths our parents' parents told them. I never dreamed I
would someday look back and question what I had done, or
where and most of all, who, I had been.
I don't really regret my past. I've had an incredible life
so far. I've seen, done and experienced things that people
have, and will continue to, dream about doing all their
lives. But somehow, I feel empty. Somehow I feel alone.
Mostly though ... I feel almost helpless. Like a tiny raft
in a vast, stormy sea ...
You can't fight, you must relent ... It will only make it
more painful to fight ...
My question is this ...
Who is it more painful for?
ME?
Or the vast stormy sea?
Again ... I'm not a quitter.
It's going to take a mighty big wave to sneak up and make me
go under.
But lately, I feel like I don't have much besides my nose
sticking out of the water. I'm terrified that the wave is
headed my way. I worry I won't have the strength to endure
it. I've been told that God will never give you more than
you can bear and that through adversity comes strength. If
this is my lesson, then I'm one strong soul. But I'd much
prefer a lesson in how well I handle success or the love of
a wonderful woman. That, it would seem, is never to be our
choice to make. We are eternally the pupils and God the
teacher. I love to learn, always have. It’s just that I’ve
never found it so heart wrenching before.
The only thing that I feel like I might truly regret in my
life is not having a family. I love children. So much so,
that I didn't just go out and recklessly have some ... I’ve
always felt that If I couldn't give them the life that they
needed and deserved, then I'd have no children at all ...
and that's just what I've done. I see my friend’s children
and I die a little inside knowing that those kids are the
age that my children should be. I feel like I'm missing out
on a joy that may never cross my face ... or my heart. It
seems to slip further away every day, each time I think
about it, I feel like I sink a little deeper into the dark,
stormy water ...
It is probably my biggest unrealized dream ... The only
football I seem to keep failing to kick.
I can think of only one other thing that approaches a
feeling of regret for me: my looks. I'm not ugly, but I'm
not the hottest guy on the planet either. I’ve been told on
many occasions that I’m quite handsome. Still, I wish I had
had a better diet and took better care of myself when I was
younger. I blame my being alone partly on my appearance.
Make no bones about it, I am thee most cocky, confident,
egotist you have ever met. But, even though I’m pretty sure
some of it is an eminence front, I’ve never been one to be
insecure. Like I said before, I’m usually pretty fearless.
It doesn’t feel like a reckless fearless; it feels like
confidence fearless. But even so, I’m usually alone.
Not lonely …
Alone.
For a while, I thought that maybe it was something about me.
A bit of insecurity trying to sneak up on me … but now I’m
beginning to think that it’s simply an issue of fate ...
Perhaps, I’ve just never found my “Little Red Haired Girl”
... regardless of my looks.
Before, my attitude has always been: "Hey, If they don't
like the way I look, then why would I want them?" Typical
for my normal, “Joe Cool” attitude …
I think that arrogance, much like justice, is blind.
I was so blind it seems, that I failed to ever notice that I
only take interest in beautiful women.
I can be such a fool sometimes ...
But ...
I've always had really nice looking girlfriends ...
I guess no matter how you look at things ...
In the end ... you bring it on yourself ... mostly.
Sometimes ... you let others bring it on you too.
Aw hell, sometimes they bring it even when you DON'T let
them!
And sometimes ...
It just falls right out of the sky ...
C’est La Vie!
Mi Vida Loca!
Oh, Good grief!
I'm gonna go back outside ...
I can be such a blockhead sometimes ...
Who am I kidding anyway?
I love the rain!
-Jeff Gaines
Monday, August 23rd, 1999
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