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Hόsker Dό?
Do I ever!
It's so weird to look around at a place and then realize
that you've been there before
Especially when it's a place that you are now also realizing
is somewhere that you'd sworn to yourself that you'd never
return to
Somewhere bad
Somewhere that was so wrong it had jumped up and bit you on
the ass . . . leaving a painful welt that reminded you of
all the grief to be had here.
Somewhere that was so obvious
You hadn't noticed it until
you were nose-deep in its frustration
Forever burning its
bad taste on your tongue.
Somewhere that was so unpleasant
You just knew its awful displeasure would steer your now
learned soul away from its anguish forever
Oh
But
There you are.
At first, you can only laugh
At yourself.
Then you roll your eyes in disbelief ... Ashamed, as you
realize what you've done
Not only are you back here
You're chest deep in it
again.
We so love masks and Carnival ...
Magicians and Halloween ...
Illusionists and Masquerade balls ...
And be it escapist-fiction, or a self-test of our abilities
to see past deception to the truth ...
We love to be fooled ...
But no one ...
I mean No one
can fool us quite like ourselves.
I wish that I were in better shape right now ...
So that I could reach around with my own foot and kick my
self in the ass!
The worst part about it, is that I can't remember which time
this is on the counter that counts my errant trips to this
dreadful, God-forsaken place ... How could I have ended up
here ... again?!
You know this place ... I know you do ... We all trudge
through here at least once. Maybe we don't all recognize it
... Or perhaps some of us just choose to ignore it and the
awful pain that swirls here.
Still others I bet ... Dwell here.
That's right ... Dwell here.
Choosing to wallow in the faux security of existing "Solo A
Cappella"
Alone ...
Without accompaniment.
It's always easier to be the one who deals the blows ... But
I've come to the conclusion that even that is an illusion
...
Surely, if all you do is give pain ... Then that is all you
have.
Like I said, no one can fool us quite like our own selves.
Still they stay here, swathed in the warm blanket of pain,
albeit self-inflicted, wandering aimlessly
Looking for
that next victim
Some one whose own pain can prolong this
destructive self-hypnosis.
This place I'm talking about
You recognize it yet?
If not, you are one of the few very blessed people who have
been able to remain in the company of true friends. Don't
ever take it ... or these people
for granted.
Being real . . . to your self and those around you
Is
everything.
Now, as for the rest of us
Well, it is a place some would consider
Hell.
A place where, like a nightmare, we suddenly realize that we
actually stand alone
And have been.
A feared place
where we have a realization that the people
all around us are only there for their own benefit
To hell
with our feelings ... our wishes ... our concerns
To hell with us.
It is a very hard thing to accept ... let alone recognize
...
We so long to have those true-blue, close friends ... the
one's we often took for granted in our youth. Those people
whom actually hurt when we hurt ... you know them ... or you
have ... and now you can only hope that those you have
around you now ... are like those people ... Those often
lost or left behind True Blue Friends.
Because in your heart, you know ...
If they are not ...
Then they are most assuredly those other people ...
The ones swathed in a dark blanket ... Knitted from pain ...
It not only keeps them warm in deception ...
It's warmth deceives you as well ... Making you think that
they do care . . .
Worse still ...
Making you believe that they are your friends . . .
You need this ... You seek it.
Having ...
Knowing ... some one cares about you, can help you move
mountains.
But to suddenly realize that you are surrounded with
deception ... Pain ... and, more importantly, that you are
alone ... can be truly terrifying.
To think that you have the warm light of friendship ...
Only to see it morph into the black, lonely abyss of being
used and deceived
Lulled into capitulating to the whims of people who could
care less about you ...
Is to experience the darkest side of our souls.
I wouldn't wish it on any one ...
Especially, if they hadn't yet discovered themselves ...
A detrimental accomplishment that can give you the courage
to catch yourself ...
Lost in that darkness
And ... The courage to find your way back.
Still ... It might not give you the insight to see yourself
straying into this darkness ...
I just can't believe it ...
Here I am ...
Standing in that darkness again ...
Not on the edge
Neck deep ...
You see, I did an inventory of my soul today ...
More precisely, I inventoried my soul's relationships with
the people who are around me most of the time. I was
searching for a reason as to why I've been so BLANK-ing
miserable lately ... It seems that I keep finding the
actions of these people are bringing me more and more
aggravation by the moment.
Always seeking peace, I've communicated with them like a
real friend should ... Trying to express my need for our
friendship to go smoother ...
To explain that their transgressions, while forgivable, are
putting a strain on my willingness to remain in their
company ... an openly honest attempt at fixing something.
Funny thing is ... It seems that not only do they rarely
stop what they are doing ...
Some actually seem to increase the frequency of wrongdoing
and then apologize vehemently about "forgetting" my earlier
expressions of concern or my requests for doing things a
certain way
I make these requests
Not to change them, but to alleviate actions on their part,
that can and often do, cause me great turmoil.
O.K. we're all human ... Right?
But then ... In very short notice ... They do it again!
Or, they give me guilt trips, playing on my friendship, just
to get their way ...
Not even realizing that I'm smart enough to see through this
... or that I might find out it was all a ruse ... Just to
get what they want.
Better yet ... It sure gets to be a tired coincidence that
when I need them or something from them ... They are
conveniently not available ... or the favor never
materializes ...
Their actions don't confound me any more ... I figured out
their problem long ago ...
They mistake my kindness for weakness.
Sometimes I wonder though ... Is it a weakness?
It's just that I'm dumbfounded at how I keep finding myself
here ... Having to navigate back to the light ...
Am I so in need of those true friends that I repeatedly
allow my self to be fooled by those who are not? I do
remember those deeply rooted friendships ... How wonderfully
beneficial it is to have them. The soothing contentment that
can be found only one of those friendships. It gives you a
confidence and strength not found anywhere else.
So why then ... do I have such a time remembering how to
recognize those that aren't?
Your life speaks to you ... I believe that ...
Could it be ... That one of my basic instincts ...
My wish to be liked or accepted ...
My need to simply know that I'm cared about ...
Can also make me deaf to my all-knowing inner voice?
Could it make me forget what these all too evident signs
looked like ...
As I, again, strayed into this netherworld?
There is a lesson here though
it comes back to you as you
exit the abyss and walk back towards the light ...
Life does go on ...
And ...
What ever doesn't kill you ... Makes you stronger.
I just wish, like all get-out, that it improved your memory!
-Jeff Gaines
February 18th & 19th
2003
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