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May 20th, 1999
I had my heart broken today for the last time ...
I was snooping ... Mea Culpa.
I can't help it ... It seems that every time I do, I find
what I'm looking for ...
I loved her ... but she doesn't understand ... if she does,
then she hates me.
I can't believe what I found today ...
I feel like half of my conscience wants to show me the truth
that I've known for almost two years.
I also feel the other half wants to pretend that everything
is normal and o.k. Because I, like everyone else, need to
love and be loved.
I never mistreated her ... at least that’s what she says.
I never deserved all the lies, deceit and cheating ... at
least that’s what she says.
I never understood, no matter how hard I tried.
I communicated, I negotiated, I pleaded, I even quit the
relationship ... but she always came back.
I took her back each time ... the reasons were many:
I felt that she understood my frustration and that she felt
bad.
I felt that maybe she could sense the loss of my love and
actually missed it.
I felt that she finally understood that my patience and
understanding of her painful, unexplained crimes was really
my love for her.
I even felt that maybe she could understand that my being
there through all of this was because I loved her.
I took her back willingly each time, thinking that at last
we were going to share the love I tried so hard to show her.
I remember feeling, many times that it was time to move on,
but she always lured me back.
I loved her more than any woman I had ever been with.
I worked harder on this relationship than any other in my
life.
I read the poem for the first time the day she gave it to
me.
I looked at the title ..."Jeff Gaines"
I was so flattered ... I cried.
I read the words and I cried some more.
I caressed the golden frame she had mounted it in.
I looked into her eyes ... flattered that she could write
such a beautiful thing ... About ME!
I can't say that any one had EVER done such a thing.
I hung it on the wall in my living room for all the world to
see.
I wanted them to see it; it was the most beautiful poem I
had ever read.
I would read it and my insides would get all warm and fuzzy.
I couldn't hide the joy on my face as I read the words ...
over and over again.
I could never put into words what that poem meant to me.
I could never put into words what the girl who wrote it
meant to me
I could definitely never put into words how it made me feel
to think that I had inspired those words ...
I told you earlier ... Mea Culpa.
I was snooping ...
I found that poem in a spiral notebook ... from her days in
high school.
I found that she had written it about, and for, someone
else.
I found that it made me feel like our whole relationship was
a lie.
I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why she had been
with me, or what she wanted from me.
I looked back through the time we spent together and I
remembered all the lies and games I had to deal with, never
giving up, because I believed in this relationship ... and
her.
I always tried to make her feel confident in my feelings for
her.
I felt like she always tried to make me doubt.
I found that as I read the words in her own handwriting, it
finished what was left of my heart and it finished what love
I had for her.
I didn't think it was possible.
I couldn't believe that the biggest lie she ever told me ...
was hanging on my wall.
I envied him.
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